my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
