you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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