the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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