please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
