rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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