the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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