i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
