LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
