Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
