Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You can't special order awesome
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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