so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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