woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
