so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
