I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
