I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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