strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
