Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
