Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
