Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
