Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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