What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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