a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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