well I can't set my house on fire every night
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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