If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i love accidental penises.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
