Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
