Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
