A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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