Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
