Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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