i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
