she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
