"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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