before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You're a waste of cheezeits
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
