I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Randomize
