I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
