Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
