Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
