Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
