Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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