Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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