Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
