Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
