I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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