wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
