we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
