I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
