You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My bed smells like the plague
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
