While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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