Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Is Oprah even human
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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