a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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