I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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