TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
